The Top Ten People Who are Glad Captain America is Dead
by: The Professor 2 years, 3 months, 3 weeks, 1 day, 20 hours, 25 minutes ago 13
Email Article Print ArticleAs we are all I am sure lamenting the death of the icon Captain America, I thought I would go the other route and offer the:
Top Ten People who are glad Captain America is dead!!!
As we are all I am sure lamenting the death of the icon Captain America, I thought I would go the other route and offer the:
Top Ten People who are glad Captain America is dead!!!
10. Hitler
I remember it well…1941. Those stinking Americans vernt even in zi war yet and that lousy Captain America is punching me in zi noggin on some American propagandic comic book. I hated many people in my life, but him I am hating zi most.
9. The Red Skull
Hail Hitler! I agree with everything zi fuher said. Plus, zi Captain has punched my red-skull head a zillion times. It wasn’t always red you know! Die Der Captain!
8. Bucky
I know I really shouldn’t be saying this; me and Cap were tight there for a while. But y’know…he kind of went on without me. I mean, gee…we were the bee’s knees! We were a team. Then he went on and made all these freaky keen new friends and I felt like, I don’t know L7 or something. I guess those new friends pulled one on you though, huh Cap?
7. Superman
Yes. You are all surprised to see me on this list. Why would I be glad that Captain America is dead? Well, first off, he’s a rip off of me. We’ve been battling the battle of the lame super-heroes for years now. “Truth, Justice and the American way” yada yada yada. There’s only room for one real American Hero in any universe and it’s me. That bullet would have bounced right off me! Now go make me the largest Apple pie in the world Lois.
6. The Shield
Finally, heh heh, they can bring me back! It’s almost like I have been in a cryogenic state forever. Now D.C. can bring me into the mix and I can take my rightful place as the true American Hero (no offense supes!). I was red, white and blue when it meant something. Please bring me back…please bring me back!!!
5. WWII Vets
As a spokesman for all of the surviving WWII Vets, I would like to state for the record that we are glad Captain America is dead. Yes, he did do a lot for us during the war, but he gave the rest of us such a bad name. We worked and fought hard, but who was always headlining the news? That’s right, him. And to make it worse…there he was, fifty years later, looking as good as he did all those years ago. We’re all in our 70s and 80s and he looks like a model. How do think it feels to have your wife always telling you that you have been “letting yourself go” and things like, “why can’t you look as good as Captain America. He’s your age”!!!
4. Iron man
Did you read the Civil War? Well…you gotta ask? Of course I wanted him dead. The whole thing could’ve been like three weeks long instead of forever if there was no Cap. Heck, I have real problems that have been put on hold because of this thing! Plus, he was always on my butt for drinking. Hey, Pal, not all of us have a super soldier serum coursing through our veins. If you didn’t, maybe Jack Daniel’s would be your choice too!
3. Jarvis
Oh dear. I really do not want to be included in this list. I don’t want to say bad things about Mr. Rodgers. He might come back. What am I saying? Of course he’ll be back. They always come back, don’t they? Oh well. I suppose I’ll keep his things tended to. But if you really would like to know why I am glad he is dead, I’ll tell you. Frankly, Captain America was a slob. I know he kept the guise of the clean cut all American boy, but it was alas a façade. He was the dirtiest person who ever lived in Avengers Mansion I can assure you. His shield was always clean, that is true, but nothing could stick to that shield. Now his carpet, closet, floor and clothing…definitely not made of the same stuff the shield was. Imagine Mr. Logan and the mess you think he makes with his beer cans, cigars, and “animal” tendencies. Now multiply it by one million and you have Captain America. Oh bother…why don’t they ever sign on someone named Captain Clean or Super Suds?
2. Aunt May
Jarvis is such a sweetheart, isn’t he? So dreamy! Captain America. Oh, he was such a nice boy. Peter always looked up to him so. I remember reading about him when I was younger. All the girls were in love with him. Then when he came back we still loved him. When Peter joined the Avengers and I got to actually meet him, I was so impressed with him. He was such a nice man. But, I am glad he is dead, as horrible as that sounds. I hope I’m not a horrible person. But, you see, somebody had to die. Somebody always has to die. At first I thought it was going to be Peter, he was so mixed up in it all. But then I started thinking, who in our Marvel universe has been around forever and doesn’t serve a large purpose. That’s when I saw the writing on the wall. It was going to be me. Frankly, I find it hard to believe I am still alive. I’m pushing almost 120 years old and really don’t make much of a difference. So, sorry Mr. Captain America, but if its between you and me…I’m going with ME!
And number one on the list of people glad Captain America is dead???
Marvel comics!!!
And why not? Just think of the press this has already received. Captain America? You want to talk about Captain America? As far as Marvel was concerned, everybody probably didn’t know he was still alive. At least if you look at sales. Captain America hasn’t brought in revenue since my Grandparents were on food rations! Marvel will laugh off this death straight to the bank. Why? Well first because so many of us are outraged by it. It’s all over the news. People are selling his death issue on e-bay for $75+ right now. The hype is everywhere. Now that Marvel has got our interest they can put out a bunch of Cap related titles that the multitudes will buy. And then, when we are least expecting it, they’ll bring him back. They will find someway to make him real again. He’ll get a new title, a new movie and another year of popularity until they run out of stuff for him again. For those of you who love Captain America, don’t complain. This is the best thing that could ever happen to the guy.
Quote the Professor nevermore!
Another great column Professor. Did I read correctly; was Captain America done in by a simple bullet? That doesn’t seem very creative. Is anyone else talking about the manner of death?
I will never think of Marvel the same way again… or Aunt May, now that I think about it.
And Jarvis, better update that resume’ too cause I got a long memory and I am taking names.
With apologies to A. E. Housman; I am talking about you Marvel. I have learned my lesson.
When I was one-and-twenty
I heard a wise man say,
`Give crowns and pounds and guineas
But not your heart away;
Give pearls away and rubies
But keep your fancy free.’
But I was one-and-twenty
No use to talk to me.
When I was one-and-twenty
I heard him say again,
`The heart out of the bosom
Was never given in vain;
‘Tis paid with sighs a plenty
And sold for endless rue.’
And I am two-and-twenty
And oh, ‘tis true, ‘tis true.
Couple of things folks.
First, because I live in a town where there is no comic shop, I depend on the kindness of my pals at Madness Games and Comics in Plano, Tx to send me my books. I get a shipment about once a month. So...I am usually a little bit behind when it comes to story lines. This shouldn’t be a spoiler since it already happened, but I was told yesterday that Aunt May was shot. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. One good thing is that we don’t know if she is dead yet. If she isn’t...she still ranks in at number 2 on the list. If she did, we can only assume the folks at Marvel have it in for The Professor and did it out of spite of the column. So...either way, we’re covered (how’s that for bravado?!?!?)
Uh...anyway…
Mr. Menace...good point. I thought it was kind of lame too. Sidekick and I were talking about many much more interesting ways he could have been killed. Perhaps we could persuade him to share some!!!But yuo are right, the sniper thing sounds too easy.
Lufguy...how can I have anything to say but, wow. If you were a LufGIRL, I’d say something like, “be still my beating heart, poetry!”. But since your not, I’ll just say, super-cool and awesome to get some poetry as a response (hopefully some of my Intro to Lit students are reading this too...see, poetry is important!) Thank you Lufguy!
Heartbreaker...don’t worry..I have been told my best writing happens when I am a little brain retarded!
I am wondering why the other Komikazee fans have not posted to this column. It is better to laugh in this dark hour than to mourn. Cap would have wanted it that way.
Wonder if it is too soon for some to smile?
On a side note I think Uncle Sam shot Cap and Aunt May. He’s trying to prove a point that now that the Marvel U has the “superheroes” registered maybe we can focus on gun control.
OR
He and Cap are in on the shooting to help demonstrate the second amendment, “A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed” And if Heroes are truly walking weapons, than I guess they have the right to embody the second amendment.
Hey Prof, glad to be of service in the poetry area. Was that an Edgar Allan Poe reference with that “Nevermore” at the end of your column?
Thanks too for the “man crush” and only slightly disturbing note of me being a female. ha!
I don’t know if you take suggestions or ideas for columns but have you considered how some poetry seems to fit so many of the comic characters we all enjoy. Hamlet, Wolverine? Separated at birth? Not the best match but you get the idea. Just a thought.
Sidekick...I don’t know if people are not commenting on this one because of their deep mourning. There were alot of posts that popped up right after I posted on the main page and this article got bumped down off the screen. I don’t know if people check the columns page often or not.
Uncle Sam, huh...well, I guess he could have done it. He never looks happy.
Lufguy...yeah...Nevermore was my feeble attempt to be literary! I’ll always take suggestions for stuff. I like the poetry angle...let me give it some thought. Thanks
Sidekick, I am wondering if we don’t have that many “comic guys” period. Where are they all? Too busy? Just lurking? That is ok with me but I would like to see a nice variety of ideas and opinions expressed too.
Maybe more members are interested in MMA, movies or games.
I just got back from vacation and I am bumping it to the top of the list! This needs to be seen by everyone. Great article Prof!
Thanks curves! Long live Cap!!
Captain America is not dead!
I freaked and left her there, only to spend the rest of the night looking for the “guy” that attacked the girl I was dating. We never found that guy, but not only did I get to laughy ass off I got to play the hero in the end...and really isn’t that all a sidekick truly wants.
the captain can never die.