Well turn up the radio and roll down the windows SUMMER TIME is here! I am cleaning out my sidekick list of things to do for the summer.
School is almost out and I find myself renewing old summer promises to myself. I make resolutions not just on New Year’s Day but year round. Since I know I will fail or cheat I give myself away out.
1.Get Rid of Past Sidekick Costumes- I have a closet full of past adventure, mistakes, and pain in the disguise of leather and spandex. With the heat index rising, I really need to get rid of my Limburger Cheese sidekick costume. I did a stint with Limburger as his faithful sidekick Wedge. Turns out Limburger just couldn’t’t get his act together. No villain wanted to fight him, and he had problem with the ponies. It wasn’t all bad since we were always a hit at every wine party we went to. I also really need to get rid of my Land Mine suit. I thought I needed a darker edge so I went with the Portland hero The VET. You may know him as Arnold Merriman he was in the news recently. Arnold saw some crazy *&%$ in Vietnam, and when he got back he saw Charlie in the trees everywhere. Yes he was a little crazy then, but he gave me a chance by strapping 45 live land mines to my suite and throwing me into a gang fight or drug bust. Usually everyone was so scared that I may fall or hitting me would set off my justice everyone quit fighting immediately. I had to stop with him once he started wearing the ears of those he arrested/made an example of. Not so much because of the ears, but I was known as Bouncing Betty…look it up it’s a legit name.
2.Find a B Rated Hero to Team With- This is it guys! I mean it this time. I know I have to work my way up, and seeing how I started with the Z rated heroes it is only fair that I have my time in the sun. No longer will I answer every want ad seeking a sidekick. I will no longer pay the hero to be his sidekick! I want a hero that is known, and sometimes teams up with the A heroes. You only find D and E rated heroes at the sidekick cattle calls. I hate standing outside with 200 losers auditioning for Heroes that are not even regional. I will seek them out, if any of you have some examples of B rated heroes I should look into than let me know. I’M GOING FOR IT THIS TIME!
3.Find a Legion Flight Ring- This is going with my second to do, but maybe I wouldn’t need a hero if I could travel to the future and fight with the Legion of Superheroes. I met a guy at one of the cattle calls that actually found a Legion Flight Ring in his Captain Crunch. Can you believe it! There are people that still eat Captain Crunch even though it tears up the roof of your mouth. Anyway, a flight ring would give me the edge I am looking for…and I could fly.
4.Join a Teen Sidekick League- I just keeping building here, but maybe I could get into a Teen League of some sort. This way I can meet professional sidekicks, and schmooze with their Heroes. Most people don’t know this but the only way to offically join a Teen League is through the union. You have to work as an intern for an A rated hero for about 2 to 3 years. Or you can spend a year in a Teen League and they will fast track you since they believe you are fighting crime with many heroes and on many fronts. Getting into the union would be sweet. One word…dental. Little secret, Teen Titans were formed to get into the union. They didn’t do squat for like 2 years. Robin had Batman sign the team’s union papers in the middle of a fight. He didn’t know what he was signing then. They got the Tower after renegotiating their contracts. Union people get you what you are worth!
5.Lose Weight- When you just sit around waiting for a call the only friend you have is ice cream. I am a little overweight but to tell the truth it’s not so bad. Last time I was on patrol I didn’t make the jump form roof top to roof top. The fall would have killed me had I been my original weight, but the soft padding around my bones kept me alive. I lived in pain but I was alive. Now I know you can argue that had I not been so over weight I would have made the jump. To that I say F&%$ YOU MAN! You have no idea what it is like to wait night after night for a Hero to call you for patrol. You haven’t spent a ton of money making fliers and putting them up all over town to advertise your willingness to fight crime. Great see what you did now I’m going to get more ice cream HAPPY!
6.Find a Super Pet- Well if I can’t be the sidekick to a B rated hero maybe I could get a super pet to be my sidekick. I’m allergic to cats so that out, and I have a fear of dogs after spending three months as the sidekick to Alpo Man and I was Gravy Train. Let’s just say I am up on my rabies shot. I could go with some sort of sea life but I can’t live underwater so that’s out. Maybe a hamster or a ferret. Yeah a super ferret. Gonna look into that!
7.Start a Rouge Gallery- Maybe one reason none of the heroes are noticing me is because I do not have a full list of bad guys. So maybe if I can get villains to pad my resume than maybe I would have a better shot at employment. Don’t get me wrong I have been working in the biz for sometime now and I have some villains I could add to my list. Not a lot mind you since most of the enemies I had to fight pretty much didn’t fear me as much as they pitied me. One time a villain called child protective services on the hero I was with. It was completely blown over board since the guy we were fighting was robbing a bank, and he killed a security guard. We got there and he freaked out all over my employer. I was with Captain Critic and I was Tiny Taunt. The bank robber was Critics nemesis The Scholar. Any-who, my job was to draw his fire and so I “taunted” him with quips “Betcha ya can’t hit me! Or Shoot me not the Captain.” You know standard script handed down from the Captain and my suit was a bull’s eye on the front and back with a point system. This gives the villain a sense of “over estimating” me, or that’s what the Captain said. The Scholar gave the Captain some harsh words and gave himself up. He said he was “disgusted,” I think he was disgusted with crime. I think I will add him to my Rouge’s List.
8.Help a Worth Cause- Its not always about fighting or living off food stamps sometimes its about public image. So I plan this summer to help a worth cause. I am thinking about working with Heroes 4 Heroes. I like the name since it would seem there are Heroes helping out with this cause. I can help people and meet other heroes. I am not sure what it is all about but I hear they have a website I can check out at http://www.heroes4heroes.org
9.Write a Novel- I actually put this on all my lists just in case a girl reads it. It looks very distinguishing.
10.Believe In Myself- I know I can complete what I put my mind to, so this summer I am going to try and complete this list by the time the fall comes around. I will read all the comics I can get my hands on for more reference material and see the comic blockbusters coming out this summer to help my superhero poses. In trying to complete this list it looks like I will have to give up my pager and get a cell phone. Does anyone know a good brand of cell phones that won’t break if: dropped off a building, set on fire, dosed in syrup, or eating alive?
OK it looks like I have a ton of things to do, feel free to share with me your plans for the summer and remember I AM LOOKING FOR EMPLOYMENT!
-sk-