As we are all I am sure lamenting the death of the icon Captain America, I thought I would go the other route and offer the:
Top Ten People who are glad Captain America is dead!!!
As we are all I am sure lamenting the death of the icon Captain America, I thought I would go the other route and offer the:
Top Ten People who are glad Captain America is dead!!!
10. Hitler
I remember it well…1941. Those stinking Americans vernt even in zi war yet and that lousy Captain America is punching me in zi noggin on some American propagandic comic book. I hated many people in my life, but him I am hating zi most.
9. The Red Skull
Hail Hitler! I agree with everything zi fuher said. Plus, zi Captain has punched my red-skull head a zillion times. It wasn’t always red you know! Die Der Captain!
8. Bucky
I know I really shouldn’t be saying this; me and Cap were tight there for a while. But y’know…he kind of went on without me. I mean, gee…we were the bee’s knees! We were a team. Then he went on and made all these freaky keen new friends and I felt like, I don’t know L7 or something. I guess those new friends pulled one on you though, huh Cap?
7. Superman
Yes. You are all surprised to see me on this list. Why would I be glad that Captain America is dead? Well, first off, he’s a rip off of me. We’ve been battling the battle of the lame super-heroes for years now. “Truth, Justice and the American way” yada yada yada. There’s only room for one real American Hero in any universe and it’s me. That bullet would have bounced right off me! Now go make me the largest Apple pie in the world Lois.
6. The Shield
Finally, heh heh, they can bring me back! It’s almost like I have been in a cryogenic state forever. Now D.C. can bring me into the mix and I can take my rightful place as the true American Hero (no offense supes!). I was red, white and blue when it meant something. Please bring me back…please bring me back!!!
5. WWII Vets
As a spokesman for all of the surviving WWII Vets, I would like to state for the record that we are glad Captain America is dead. Yes, he did do a lot for us during the war, but he gave the rest of us such a bad name. We worked and fought hard, but who was always headlining the news? That’s right, him. And to make it worse…there he was, fifty years later, looking as good as he did all those years ago. We’re all in our 70s and 80s and he looks like a model. How do think it feels to have your wife always telling you that you have been “letting yourself go” and things like, “why can’t you look as good as Captain America. He’s your age”!!!
4. Iron man
Did you read the Civil War? Well…you gotta ask? Of course I wanted him dead. The whole thing could’ve been like three weeks long instead of forever if there was no Cap. Heck, I have real problems that have been put on hold because of this thing! Plus, he was always on my butt for drinking. Hey, Pal, not all of us have a super soldier serum coursing through our veins. If you didn’t, maybe Jack Daniel’s would be your choice too!
3. Jarvis
Oh dear. I really do not want to be included in this list. I don’t want to say bad things about Mr. Rodgers. He might come back. What am I saying? Of course he’ll be back. They always come back, don’t they? Oh well. I suppose I’ll keep his things tended to. But if you really would like to know why I am glad he is dead, I’ll tell you. Frankly, Captain America was a slob. I know he kept the guise of the clean cut all American boy, but it was alas a façade. He was the dirtiest person who ever lived in Avengers Mansion I can assure you. His shield was always clean, that is true, but nothing could stick to that shield. Now his carpet, closet, floor and clothing…definitely not made of the same stuff the shield was. Imagine Mr. Logan and the mess you think he makes with his beer cans, cigars, and “animal” tendencies. Now multiply it by one million and you have Captain America. Oh bother…why don’t they ever sign on someone named Captain Clean or Super Suds?
2. Aunt May
Jarvis is such a sweetheart, isn’t he? So dreamy! Captain America. Oh, he was such a nice boy. Peter always looked up to him so. I remember reading about him when I was younger. All the girls were in love with him. Then when he came back we still loved him. When Peter joined the Avengers and I got to actually meet him, I was so impressed with him. He was such a nice man. But, I am glad he is dead, as horrible as that sounds. I hope I’m not a horrible person. But, you see, somebody had to die. Somebody always has to die. At first I thought it was going to be Peter, he was so mixed up in it all. But then I started thinking, who in our Marvel universe has been around forever and doesn’t serve a large purpose. That’s when I saw the writing on the wall. It was going to be me. Frankly, I find it hard to believe I am still alive. I’m pushing almost 120 years old and really don’t make much of a difference. So, sorry Mr. Captain America, but if its between you and me…I’m going with ME!
And number one on the list of people glad Captain America is dead???
Marvel comics!!!
And why not? Just think of the press this has already received. Captain America? You want to talk about Captain America? As far as Marvel was concerned, everybody probably didn’t know he was still alive. At least if you look at sales. Captain America hasn’t brought in revenue since my Grandparents were on food rations! Marvel will laugh off this death straight to the bank. Why? Well first because so many of us are outraged by it. It’s all over the news. People are selling his death issue on e-bay for $75+ right now. The hype is everywhere. Now that Marvel has got our interest they can put out a bunch of Cap related titles that the multitudes will buy. And then, when we are least expecting it, they’ll bring him back. They will find someway to make him real again. He’ll get a new title, a new movie and another year of popularity until they run out of stuff for him again. For those of you who love Captain America, don’t complain. This is the best thing that could ever happen to the guy.
Quote the Professor nevermore!